This is it!
This is it. I have pretty much wandered my entire 24 years of existence and with all due respect to myself and everybody else I hold dear, the time to buckle up and take the plunge is here! I am quite flustered by the thought that I might never be able to figure out the purpose of my life but now I couldn’t have cared less. My mind is in a constant state of battle with itself and irrespective of which side wins, I lose!
So heres the deal. I am 24 and just a couple of years ago I was planning to get into a management school and by this age make an entry into a company that I was assured would pay me more than what my parents could ever make. Quite a run of the mill affair and one knew that thinking beyond it was considered nothing less than obscene. But now here I am living the life of a partial parasite and contemplating which aspect of my life is the most fucked up! Anybody to shower some sympathy?
The worlds coming to an end! You remember that scene from Annie hall, the 7 year old kid who is an amazing fatalist! I find a lot of things that I share with him and if I may digress, heres the excerpt from the movie. Woody allen – ” I am not a morose type, I am not a depressive character. You know, I was a reasonably happy kid I guess, brought up in Brooklyn during World War II” and the scene immediately shifts to his childhood where he sits with his mum on a psychiatrists couch and the mum speaks hysterically, ” He’s been depressed. All of a sudden he can’t do anything.” ” Why you depressed Alvi?” Little woody replies – ” The universe is expanding. Well the universe is everything and if its expanding then someday it will break apart and that will be the end of everything”! His mum gets frantic and yells, ” what is that your business? He stopped doing his homework. Whats the universe got to do with it. You are here in Brooklyn, Brooklyn isn’t expanding.” Doc says, “and it won’t expand for billions of years yet Alvi and we gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we are here, ha, ha .. (breaks into condescending laughter)”.
I have digressed enough! But the point I am trying to make is the eerie resemblance I see with that little kid. Climate change, peak oil, terrorism, war, food shortages, water pollution, capitalism, poverty; I suppose all of them are here to stay but my obsession with the world’s inevitable collapse is not doing any good to my current existence! AND THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE FROM THIS DAY FORTH!
James Lovelock strongly believes that we have crossed the tipping point already and the catastrophic changes we are to witness will be irreversible. Now why would I believe a 90 year old independent scientist who has been a crazy maverick all his life? I don’t know. But what I do take from him is his statement in the guardian where he remarks that what is left is to enjoy and be happy! I don’t see quitting what I do now and go back to a life that I’ve gotten myself to detest beyond reconciliation but what I do see is the need to keep working while maintaining a balanced head and a more genial demeanor.
So what is this balanced life and how should I achieve it? Or wait, I am still not done throwing up my issues onto this post just yet! Like they say, when you seek a fresh start you should let go of your past completely! I work for myself and I am quite happy about that. I do not see the need for pleasing anybody and therefore do not blame anybody for my wrongs! So this current predicament I face, I do not attribute to the stars and neither to my loved ones for I have been blessed with a life where I can be independent and make my own decisions. This predicament stems from the fact that I have not inquired enough and have been dishonest to myself and the latter has been the most difficult to face up to in the last few months. It is really not about the money but the need for a change that I envision and preach but unable and rather indisciplined at changing myself. And thanks to an amazing woman who is untiringly honest and who helps me realize that honesty is after all, the ultimate value that I (if not everybody) need, I can see how my life is shaping up.
So what is it that I would be needing?
a) Getting the fatalist out of me – I suppose having an extreme emotional connect to the dangers I read about is fueling this fatalism but it is important to maintain that emotional connect while not letting it go haywire i.e not dwelling on them and screwing my head! Even if peak oil were to bring the world down to its knees I would not let it bring me down to mine! (In prayer or pain!)
b) Get a little ambitious – I look at people my age and cannot but feel a sense of sympathy towards them. But as many headless chickens as I may see, I still lack a fair amount of ambition! Ambition to figure out the means for my survival and possibly the survival of my own family(wife and kids) I might one day have! Ambition to be someone who can bring out a change rather than just foreseeing apocalypse.
c) Get more disciplined – can’t make it any simpler than this. It takes discipline to do a boring 9 to 5 job everyday, takes discipline to sit in an elevator pressing buttons all day for a job, takes discipline to be a good son or a boy friend and it takes more discipline than ever when you have set your sights on changing the world!
d) Be more friendly – ok, this is surprisingly tough! Once you have begun to live in a world of ideals that manifest into surreal and mostly unreal ideas, it is bloody difficult to find people and friends any interesting. But in the real world, these simple friends make the difference between being some one and being no one!
e) Lets put a smile on that face! I don’t have to be the joker to see the funny side of life and neither do I need a constant dose of stand up comedy to keep myself upbeat. Seeing the lighter side of a day to day life is invaluable.
f) Focus focus focus! – irrespective of the change I bring, to keep at it and hope for the best is what I can and have to do. Focus on the job at hand instead of the futility of the job! NOT LOSE HOPE, that is the motto.
g) Be honest – simple! Be honest. be honest. to yourself and to everybody around.
h) Be constructive and don’t fuel a fire – I have found it easy to get carried away in a discussion where everybody is busy bashing the establishment. But I now know that bringing a solution to the table makes more difference than adding another problem. Always be constructive! No matter how bad the situation, look at the bright side. Even though it might seem impossible, be realistic and do not let situation get the better of you.
i) Get some financial security – I have gone on enough about money being the root of all evil but even the change I wish to bring will be difficult without a steady stream of currency! This will require a re-look at the options available and then choosing one of them that will not hamper the broad vision that I have undertaken.
j) But keep inquiring, reading, writing, talking and learning – this is the most crucial or otherwise I could just turn into the exact opposite of what I am now which does not really serve the purpose. Keep asking questions and seek more moments of inspiration from talking to and learning from others.
k) Drop that ego – this might I suppose solve everything but again it is the most difficult. There is no ratio or proportion of how much ego a man ought to have commensurate to his stature, well being or wisdom but I am quite convinced that a check on one’s ego is quite crucial to making real progress.
l) Try and figure out my final calling – dabbling in multiple things with equal seriousness will never fetch me anything and it is time I begin deliberating with strength the ultimate calling and purpose!
m) Never lose your personal interests – this I write with more ease than the others as I have never given up on my passion for cinema and music and in all probability never will.
If I ought be taken more seriously by others or even by myself in the long run, then I need to adhere to the above with dedication. I am quite positive of achieving this and setting personal goals over shorter periods will help me check my progress.
I do not know with what purpose I began this post but I sure do feel good at the end of it. Here’s to a new beginning that I hope will last and let me reach my greater purpose.
Cheers
